Praying to a God I Don't Trust

So I woke up this morning to the darkness of my room. The darkness that has characterized my life for quite a while now. I stared into nothingness for a while before turning on to my right side to stare at the wall I could not see. Immediately, my brain alerted me that it was time to pray. I sighed. Not again. But by reflex I got up, put my t-shirt on and stepped outside to the corridor and before I could say Jack Robinson, my personal prayer session had begun. I knew I didn't want to but I just felt I should. I had no reason to, I thought. I'm tired of doing this every morning and still nothing has changed. Last I checked, none of my prayers had been answered. Could it be that all this was just fake? That religion is all but a blatant lie? I mean, I had read somewhere that someone said that religion is just man's excuse to explain what he can't comprehend. Nevertheless, I had this scratching feeling deep down that I should banish that thought.

I had felt God once or more times before. Or, have I? Could it be that my brain was playing tricks on me? Could it be that God wasn't real? The more convincing thought in my head was that I was simply praying to a God I did not trust. But I was brought up to believe that who I am and all things depend on this God.

Circumstances have got me feeling like this God doesn't even care. I'm very confused. I think I need help.

One hour later, I was done with my prayer session. I quickly reenacted my daily Bible study routine. I think I'm faithful than most but this unfair God I pray to every morning seems to favour them over me. Even with the little I have, I faithfully pay my tithes and offerings yet I see no improvements in my finances. This religion is raising too many questions, I think I'll just drop it. But doesn't this make me a fool? Doesn't this make me an ingrate?

There are people out there who die everyday because they have no food to eat or water to drink. No money to spend and no roof over their heads. I have all these but yet I question this God; there is no doubt about it: I have missed my way. I am obviously lost.

As my thoughts linger, a loud voice thunders and I snap out of my foolishness: "Son, it's not about what I can do for you. It never has and will never be. I do what I will because I love you. Can you just love me back? That is all I ask".