Amanda John's #100DaysOfGrowth Entry

Twitter (@pwetyface)              

Staying Positive; Recovering from the Past

I’d contemplated a million things to write, then I went to church and realized; the best place to start, is from home. I’d originally wanted this to be written anonymously, but realised a sign of growth would be my ability to stand and face my reality.

I was molested at the age of three, and like all sad things in life it became a trigger that led to several other sexual abuses from adolescence through my teenage years. I had grown up with two older sisters, who seemed too perfect to be real, the eldest being so intelligent she broke several academic records and the second being so good, that by comparison I was cruel.

I can’t say exactly when I started hating my sister, but I can tell you it wasn’t pretty; I let my jealousy and bitterness guide my actions until at some point I began to plot her demise. After several failed attempts I began to plot mine. I became suicidal at the age of eight, shortly after my dad died. I remember I would suffer little panic attacks, and go on dry spells where I wouldn’t eat or speak. I was an alcohol dependent who suffered from several eating disorders, basically I was a mess. I couldn’t face my reality, so I started lying up until It seemed like I had become a liar, I took sexual favours from older men because it made me feel like I was in control- if I'm being honest, I still wasn’t. When I turned fourteen I hit rock bottom, but it wasn’t until I walked out of a particularly scary relationship that I was forced to face the facts.  I guess you’re wondering what all this leads to?

There are so many ways this article could go; I could tell you that Jesus loves you- He does by the way, I could tell you that it gets better; I could tell you that after that first wakeup call you never go back. Well some of that is true, but that’s not why I'm writing this.

The reason why you’ve read all three hundred and sixty words before this is because I want you to know that the hardest part is forgiving yourself. And you can’t grow if you don’t forgive yourself. “The greatest form of growth is the ability to not just accept the past- but recover from it”.

You see even after I rededicated my life to Christ, I would still catch myself going over past scenarios where I had been less than honest, or noble. I would cringe at the memory and fall into a state of melancholy. In as much as I knew Jesus loved me and had made me I still couldn’t accept being worth it. For me people like me where the reason hell was created.

Depression is a recovery process, I of all people know that, but I assure you the most rewarding step is accepting your actions and making plans for the future. So here are a few tips.

• ·         Every morning look into the mirror and find one thing you like about yourself. (Don’t say there isn't, we’re all a little vain ;)
• ·         Be selfish with your attention and time, don’t overcompensate for your past by wasting your future on pleasing people who aren’t worth it.
• ·         Show love, again I'm not asking you to go around being a push over, but I’ve discovered that there’s something rewarding about showing love. – Go pay for someone’s Starbucks, or just randomly offer to help with work.
• ·         Don’t judge; this kind of goes hand in hand with the third point, like the common statement, “when pointing a finger, you’ve got four pointing back.”
• ·         Stay inspired; surround yourself with things that inspire you, music, art, and pictures, whatever it is. When you’re inspired, your mind stays set on the future and not on the past

Trivia:- So this is the brunt of it, every morning when you wake up and have a million reasons to hate you try counting the hairs on your head; the day you do is the day you get to decide why Jesus loves you.

   

      -Amanda John