WINDOW PAIN

God could feel my pain. I knew it. As I sat down staring out the window through tearful eyes, I knew it. Heaven was weeping with me as the rain drops raged at my window. I was in pain. My mind was messed up. In a few moments from now, the monster was going to come in again. It had become normal already. My innocence was long gone as my essence has since been lost. The monster never hesitated to destroy what was supposed to be my pride.

My thoughts were interrupted by the creak of the door. I didn’t look back. It was time. I simply turned and lay on my back as the monster smiled down at me. His once lovely face had now become the symbol of everything wrong with mankind. He was my hate. He was my pain. My evil and my devil. I closed my eyes then I felt his weight on the bed. Right beside me. I slowly parted my legs and he commenced his despicable act. I was silent all through. I had become accustomed to this evil. As he finished up, I closed my legs but then I heard his coarse whisper. I’m not done. “What?” my mind snapped but my mouth was too troubled and weak to utter a sound. He started removing his belt buckle and leaned into me as he finally took away all I ever was and will be. By the time all these was over, he dressed himself back. Expressionless and emotionless. As if what just happened meant nothing. As he made for the door, I mumbled: “Papa, please. Can this stop? I’m in pain”. He simply looked at me and smiled, “I know”.

The days rolled by. One faithful morning, my whole life changed. I missed my period- and I’m not talking about classes or school. I was pregnant. I tried to hide this from Papa but I couldn’t hold it for long. As time went on he noticed the symptoms in me and saw my countenance was sadder than normal. Papa, the monster, did not hesitate to take me to a quack doctor to abort my pregnancy. The rest is history. From that day onward, I completely lost it. The result of the abortion was that I would never be able to give birth again.

Over the years, through the help of God and my husband, I have been able to overcome the circumstances of my life and let go of the past. Although I have never been able to have children of my own. Today marked two years since Papa died. I will never forget the day I sat by his hospital bed, smiling. It had taken me 20 years to get to that point. I will never forget the night I stood above his sleeping body, 28 years ago, holding a knife with my trembling hands. My timidity wouldn’t allow me end his life. Along the way, I have learned to experience and express love to others. Ladi, my husband, met me at a church convention and almost immediately fell in love with me. It took me 3 years to allow him in but eventually I did and I have never regretted it.

Looking at Daniel, my adopted son, running around the living room, I could only smile. Life is what you make it. I’m happy and fulfilled today because I decided to be. I’m grateful I never allowed my pain discourage me. I have decided to show to all men the love I never received in the early days of my life.